Monday, 21 February 2011

The Corruption of the Word "Marketing" (Or, The Tale of My First MLM)

 I've had some bad experiences with MLMs (that is, multi-level marketing, the new polite term for pyramid schemes). As a teenager I applied for a marketing job I saw advertised online. I didn't expect to get it, because I had no experience and I was only 19. But to my amazement I got a phone call the very next day, inviting me to an interview.

 So I bought a suit and went to the office address they'd given me, and waited. Strangely, dozens of other candidates began to pour in too, until there were so many of us waiting that some people didn't even have a chair to sit in. Then we were told that since there were so many of us, the interviewer had decided on the spur of the moment to make it a group interview.

 It was a strange interview. It obviously wasn't spur of the moment like they'd said, because the interviewer had a PowerPoint presentation for us explaining why their company was so great and pulled in so much money. He was very vague about what we'd actually be doing. Some people got up and left halfway through the interview. I should have left too, but I was a stupid naive teenager.

 We were given little forms to fill out describing ourselves and why we thought we were a match for the job, though none of us actually knew what it was. I wrote down something about being a team player, etc etc. 

 Again to my amazement, I was again called the very next day and invited to a second interview. "You'll be shadowing one of our most forefront managers!" the receptionist gushed. "It's a chance to see what the job's all about." Then, perplexingly, "Wear flat shoes."

 I trotted back to the office in my flat shoes and met this "forefront manager", who informed me we were hitching a bus to a nearby suburb to do some "field work". Now, I was naive but I wasn't so naive that I didn't ask what he meant by "field work". "Oh, getting the brand name out there," he replied, and shepherded me on to the bus.

 On the way there he regaled me with stories of how much money he made, and I privately wondered why he didn't make enough to buy a car. I actually get very intense motion sickness so for 98% of this bus ride I was just leant back, head against the seat, eyes closed tight while this guy nattered on at me about how fabulously rich he was.

 Once we arrived at our destination this millionaire manager hopped off the bus and motioned for me to follow. We went up the pathway of a nearby house. He knocked on the door, and a tired-looking woman in cleaning gloves opened.

 "Hi!" the manager chirped. "I'm just wondering if you know how much you're paying for your gas and electric!"

 And I suddenly felt like I was still on that bus, about to throw up. Door-to-door marketing? Okay, I'd kind of suspected it, but really? I didn't know where to look as he vomited up sales spiel at this poor woman. She just shook her head, mumbled something about being happy with her current provider, and tried to close the door - and he stuck his foot in the gap. 

 "Just look at the numbers!" he gushed, shoving a piece of paper in her face. "All your neighbors have been outraged!"

 Eventually she got the door shut, to both her relief and mine.

 We did this all day, from nine in the morning to four in the afternoon. I couldn't get back to the safety of my own flat without the bus, and I hadn't brought money to pay for a ticket with me. I was stuck with the manager. 

 "Of course, a normal work-day is a bit longer than this," he said to me as we traipsed down yet another driveway. "I usually work from 9AM to about 10PM at night."

 "10PM?"

 "That's what you gotta do, if you want the money."

 It went on forever. The manager managed to make one sale, to a confused elderly man who wasn't even sure what he was buying. "You lied when you said you weren't selling anything," his wife said to the manager, with a defeated look on her face and a plea in her voice. 

 Once we were finally on the bus heading back to the city, the manager turned to me, forcing me to open my eyes and look at him. He didn't seem to realize what a serious danger there was of me throwing up on him.

 "I want to offer you the job," he said.

 "Um," I replied. "Well, I've got another interview this week on Thursday, so I think I'll see how that goes and... let you know after?"

 "Great!" he said. "I'll see you Monday."

 I realized this was how he sold to people: by simply ignoring their excuses and pressuring them into a yes. 

 "No," I said. "I will let you know on Thursday."

 And on Thursday, I let the receptionist know: "Too many bus rides. Can't do it."

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